Musings about changing seasons

The fall season is almost officially upon us and you'll never guess what I have been pondering lately...the different seasons of my life and how seasons change us. I don't think the changes from one season of life to another are always permanent though. For example, I didn't get to read very much in college about random subjects that I was interested in, because I was already reading textbooks and books for classes. And if there was time for reading after that, the time was obviously spent checking up on friends via Facebook;) Right now, my son is almost 14 months old so the days are busy trying to keep him from injuring himself. Keeping our house intact is a challenge while he runs around like a mad man digging dirt out of the potted plants, taking out every single food storage container from the cupboard, emptying all of the contents out of the toy box, and transferring every book from the bookshelf onto the bedroom floor. Needless to say, by the time he goes to bed at night, my brain has been fried.

Surprisingly though, I have noticed especially in the last month that I am hungering to learn again. I must be far enough removed now from being a brand new mom that I am ready to go back to my actions from previous seasons of life and again be a researching nerd. I love to learn. I always have. I was that kid in kindergarten who took delight in going to school each and every day. When I was a preschool teacher, I got excited to take continuing education classes because I got to learn new things. I took a continuing education class for fun a few years ago on web design just because I thought it sounded interesting and figured why not learn a little bit to continue developing my skill set. The moment that I found out that I was pregnant, I immediately started going online and seeing supplements I needed to be taking, what foods I shouldn't be eating, when I needed to go in for my first doctor's appointment. You get the picture. I like to learn.

What have I been putting my researching skills towards lately? A variety of different things. Right now I'm really interested in thinking about creativity and writing and what it is exactly that inspires us to write. I haven't written very much since my son was born and I was trying to figure out exactly why I haven't been as inspired. I had this picture of my son being born and being so moved by the grandeur of such a life changing event that the writing would just flow right out of me. Not so much the case. So what is different now? I spent all of the mental, emotional and physical energy growing this child inside of me and then caring for him after he came out and seeing him through the first year of his life and I just didn't really have anything left after all of that. Learning how to be a mom was apparently all my brain and body could handle during that time. Now that I am a bit more adjusted into my new role, I guess my brain is up and running again and is ready to take on some more challenges and it feels great to settle back into my research!

The problem: why have I not been writing the last year
The reason: I was learning how to be a mom
The solution: my brain is ready to research again!

Going back to the discussion about fall, I found it so interesting to see that this part of me that yearns to always be learning, growing and becoming a better version of who God created me to be was finally reemerging. I even started to wonder if I had changed and that that part of me was no longer there. Pregnancy and giving birth is a crazy process that changes your body forever so I thought maybe it just changed part of my personality along with it. I think that the change in the weather, season and schedule triggered something in my brain that also made me realize that I want to continue to be the same person I was before I became a mom. Of course I will never be the exact same person, but I don't want to lose sight of who I am just because I added a new role as mom into my life. I am so thankful and privileged to be able to be a mom, but I still want to be me as I add that role into my life.

How can I still be myself while also being a mom?
I certainly haven't been a mom for that long, but I have already decided that I will just never be that mom who has it all figured out and tries to perfectly balance everything. Perfect balance just doesn't exist. It's a beautiful ideal that is entirely unobtainable and leads to burnout and an exhausted heap on the floor resembling me at the end of most days when I try to aim for that. So what is my solution? I try to choose my priorities. If I say yes to something it has to be something that I'm excited about and hold close to my heart. My friends and family are a no brainer. I love them and want to stay close to them so I prioritize seeing them and spending my time and energy with them. I am involved with the Mom's Group at my church and I volunteer within that group. This also takes my time and energy, but I also get invaluable support, friendship and advice from moms who are experiencing the things I'm going through or have been there in the past. Being a mom is hard and we 100% need one another to get through it all so we don't have to be the exhausted heaps on the floor resembling ourselves. This group is absolutely life giving to me so again a no brainer. For the past year, I had to be pretty choosy about what I said yes to or who I said yes to spending time with, but I now feel like I'm ready to start branching out again and that it would be ok to say yes to more things and to allow new friendships into my life again. This is always a tricky thing for me to do, because I can get all excited and start saying yes to too many new things or people when I have this extra flow of energy going on and then start burning out when I live the new schedule on a weekly basis. That's why it's good to be constantly evaluating our lives and seeing what things we have committed to that are sucking the life out of us while not giving back any life to us. Don't get me wrong, there are circumstances in which you just give because it is the right thing to do and you know that you probably will never get anything back from it. Some days, I have to just choose to continue to be kind to my son when I know he is just having a tough day. I know that there is no way that I am going to get a lot of love back from him that day. I know that I'm going to get a lot of fussing, bad attitude and that it might not be the most fun day as a mom, but I choose to continue to give my love to him just because I love him and loving him no matter how he acts is the right thing to do.